On, The Fear of Hate

Available on Substack: Diary of an Olympic Level Journaler

This is interesting because I always envisioned my pilot post being one of my tried-and-true entries from however long ago, but what I journaled about this morning wants to be shared immediately. So i figured, why not? If it's "alive" for me, it might be alive for anyone coming across this. And that's as good a reason as any so without further ado...

I went to bed last night with a breakthrough brewing. On why my fear of being hated for being myself might actually go deeper than I'd previously given it credit. I've journaled before about how I've reached a point where I no longer fear judgment, disapproval, etc. I'm finding that's true to an extent - I've healed certain layers of that wounding - and this is why I say that when you go through healing processes, the completion of one healing cycle may be the very thing that clues you into the fact that there are other (deeper) wounds at play, too.

Said another way, as you heal - and only as you heal - can you really tease apart the intricacies of a complex subconscious belief system. (That theory is a work in progress).

So back when I was journaling not too long ago about my fear of being hated on, again, it wasn't a fear that I'd start to see myself differently. It wasn't a fear that worried, "... because what if they're right?"

It was a fear that was just really scared of being on the receiving end of hate. Period. Something deeply scares me about the idea of another person going out of their way to wish or cause me harm, especially as a result of me simply existing as I am, out loud (why is out loud not one-word tf?). This is the gist of what I'd written:

"Yesterday morning I had a really clarifying talk with myself. Feelings had already been coming up. About me launching my website/going public with my business, and all the reactions that could garner. The sideways glances, the are-you-seriouses, the who-do-you-think-you-ares, etc.

And I'm so glad I had this convo because it was actually so right in my face, the root of the situation. Right off the bat I was able to establish that it's not me being afraid of judgment or people making fun of me, "because what if they're right?"... My fear of judgment is no longer a fear that the judgment will be warranted or true for me.

This layer is a fear of being under attack. Of being on the receiving end of energetic violence. Of hurtful words, not because the words themselves will mean anything, but the intention behind them - to cause me pain - scares me..."

That day, as I was talking through that with myself, "racism" and "homophobia" kept flashing in my mind. I was like, "Yeah okay, maybe it's similar to that somehow..." But I didn't really expand on it at the time because I had my own reservations about comparing my spiritual-coming-out to the actual plight and prosecution of POC and/or the LGTBQ+.

But last night, it occurred to me - My fear of hate is not similar to... It's because of. Click!

After that I received the word "ancestral" and the threading unspooled from there.

If, in a past life, you were persecuted for who you were - AND FOR THAT REASON ALONE (that's key) - or if you carry the codes from an ancestral lineage that was persecuted for that reason, then the fear of hatred can run very deep, and probably carries an entirely different meaning than it does for people who weren't/don't.

It seems obvious now but I wasn't making the connection before because I'd never seen my fear of judgment in that way. From that perspective.

I come from an ancestry of black people. People who couldn't hide that they were black even if they wanted to. And that were hated because of it. And for them, being hated meant more than "Someone doesn't like me." "Someone thinks less of me." Which are hostile enough sentiments and it's not my intention to belittle how real and scary even that can be...

But I legitimately could not wrap my mind around why those scenarios were stirring up such a strong reaction within me. Why was I so bothered when I knew in my core that I didn't really care what other people thought about me?

This was why. Because in my ancestry (which became my subconscious), being on the receiving end of hate was linked to laws that were enforced and crimes that were committed against them, murder, arson, families being ripped apart, and the inability to be self-sufficient without risking any or all of these. Always having to watch your back. Enduring people behaving this way towards you, mistreating you, just because you exist. Having their hatred of you be more normalized and justified than their literal existence.

I couldn't understand why my fear of being hated felt so deep until I understood - because it was that deep.

Obviously, this is especially true for black people, but it's not only true for black people. Not in the slightest. Anyone can look into the past and see how views on hatred ingrained themselves in their lineages (including people whose lineages relied on delegating hate as a means of safety and survival ahem). The point is, everyone can and should get curious about how the history of hatred may be silently influencing the present-day safety they feel to show up as themselves.

I love this breakthrough because there's such a deep reverence for history. Our fears of hatred are not small or silly. Once upon a time, they contributed to life and death. In my case, most of my ancestors couldn't hide. They didn't have that "luxury." And so in that way, my subconscious mind and ego are like, "We can hide. We're reallyyyyy good at it in fact. Why would we give that up? Looking at what not hiding did for all these people."

And if your ancestors could hide - if they could change their last names and disappear into racial/ethnic/national/etc. ambiguity (or whatever historical anecdote suits your narrative) - then your lineage was taught safety in invisibility all the same. And perhaps in the end, it's not so luxurious. If you're still wired to hide who you are to escape persecution.

So this is the layer of visibility I'll be working through healing next. Not a fear of judgment, disapproval, or being misunderstood, like I'd anticipated. But what those can (and too often do) lead to.

Be brave! The world needs you exactly as you are <3